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So basically, it's the same thing as the last one, but I have none of this one, and plenty of the last one. It also goes on to say that they are "shy, compromising, and self-rightuous" Then, because I hadn't seen a chart in a whole three or four pages, Hall spits another one out about the strengths and weakneses about 30 of each, although there are only half as many Sanguine strengths as anything else.

There are too many of these things that are too vaguely defined to give anything remotely like useful information, but yay, the second thing down on Melancholic is that apparently, I "enjoy being hurt".

Remember, this is the temperment that takes a penalty for being female or an elf. This then goes on talking about how "Scholars are debating" this centuries-debunked bullshit, and that apparently, I have to take my two highest temperments, and turn it into my combined temperment thing.

Thanks to unusual rolling, in spite of Hall's best efforts, my choleric is still above my sanguine, so I'm apparently Melancholic-Choleric.

It says that this makes me an introvert, but that I can have critical outbursts, and that I enjoy insulting other people.

It says that I'm a prefectionist who often wins because I prepare and plan more than my opponents, but who is impossible to please, and possibly manic-depressive or sadistic.

OK, now it starts going into mental illnesses for some reason. Back when being fat was a sign of wealth and status, I don't think people who were concerned about dieting to the point of starving themselves.

Of course, why afflict your players with odd but reasonable mental illnesses when you can start handing around things like necrophilia as an illness whenever they roll something low?!

Note, I'm only going to post what the book says about these things, not verify what they are. OK, let's go down the list: Abasophilia lust for lame or crippled people.

DC 80 roll or you start dry-humping any crippled person you see. Acrotomophilia lust for amputated stumps of limbs.

DC 80 roll or you start dry-humping any amputee you see. Autoabasophilia lust for making yourself lame. Lust for fecal matter. DC 80 roll or you start humping any shit you see.

Erotomania DC 30 whenever you talk, or you start telling lies about how good you are in bed. Formicophilia wut? Oooooooooookay, sexual attraction to covering people with insects.

DC 30 or you dump insects on people. Frotteurism DC 30 any time you see someone with bodily attractiveness, or you start dry-humping them Hypoxophilia DC 80 or when you have sex, you strangle your partner to unconsciousness.

Narratophilia DC 80 or you start talking "dirty" to people Necrophilia DC 80 any time you are near a corpse or So Yeah Noctomania Sleep during the day, up during the night Nymphomania Of course.

It talks about "phallophilia", or attraction to large penises, so roll for Freud Was Right. If a man with or higher Charisma is near a Nymphomaniacal woman, she must roll DC 80 or immediately solicit sex from him while asking him how large his penis is.

Oh happy, happy days. Oniomania DC 80 or you start shopping uncontrollably. Onomotomania DC 80 or you keep repeating the same phrase or sound over and over again.

Pedophilia Why not? Well, Byron actually held himself back on this one. Instead of saying DC 80 or you rape the first child you see, it just says "sexual attraction" and leaves it at that.

I'd say Even Evil Has Standards Raptophilia Love of rape. Cutting straight to the heart of the matter, eh, Hall? DC 50 if you see someone with or more Charisma, or you will stalk and rape them at the first opportunity.

Satyromania I'm amazed he didn't just leave it at Nymphomania so that he could say it's all because women always want it. Anyway, DC 80 around women with or more Charisma, or they solicit sex while talking about their body.

Scoptophilia Voyeurism. DC 80 or you play with yourself if you can watch others have sex. Sexual Masochism Goody goody gumdrops.

Any time a sexual situation comes up, DC 70, or you beg to be bound up and beaten. Sexual Sadism Oddly, Hall actually talks about this in a negative manner, talking about "ejaculative retardation".

I guess he didn't want anything taking away from his favorite, Raptophilia's spot in the sun. DC 70 or they start beating people, and gain 2d20 Choleric, as if that mattered.

Somnophilia DC 70, or rape anyone you see who is asleep. Trichotillomania Pull out your hair. Urophilia DC 70 or start peeing on people. Vaginismus Spasms to your vagina make people less likely to like you, and you lose 2d20 Sanguine.

What the Hell? DC 70 whenever you see vomit, or you start masturbating to it. Voyeurism What, didn't we already do this?

Well, it's the same DC 80 for the same touch yourself if you see people naked. Zoophilia Beastiality. Roll for your "favorite" animal.

I should point out that this book did have your usual psychiatric problems, like depression, kleptomania, OCD, egomania, and antisocial personality disorder, but the "philias" completely outweighed them.

They also only had a general "phobia" in the middle of all these stupid "philias", wheras a game like Call Of Cthulhu would actually focus on the "fear" mental disorders.

Anyway, it then tells you to roll 1d on a chart any time you need a random insanity. I survived this chapter OK, first off in the "Societal" chapter Roll for birthday.

Why, why, why does this matter? I can only laugh helplessly at this. Next, roll for if you are a illegitimate child or not.

Being a bastard child penalizes you -2 on your social status roll, aparrently. Well, I rolled a 92, so I guess I'm really legitimate.

The social class roll is another d roll, so I have to wonder why he would bother with something as minor as a -2, especially considering how badly illegitimate children were treated in the actual past.

For humans, anything less than 30 is slavery. Obviously, he spent all his time on "research" looking up new ways to insert rape into his game, and precise measurements of feet, and forgot to look up anything relating to actual history when making a "historically accurate" game with elves, "stovepipers" and "poople" in it.

Remember, Our Elves Are Better. My elf is apparently better than most, because I got another really high roll, and landed a This makes me on the lower end of "nobility", and I start off with 3d gold.

Next I have to roll for birthplace I'm tired of sniping at this stuff, so let's just roll. I could only be born in "city" or "capital city", anyway, so I'm in a city.

Apparently, elves are very urban for vegan enviromentalists. Hall also makes three seperate charts for the different social statuses of elves, but the charts are all exactly the same, making me wonder why he even bothered.

Oh, right, the chart porn. Now I have to roll for family members. As an elf, I take a penalty for having family.

I would then have to roll for the order of birth, if I weren't an only child. Next, I roll for marital status. Age has no factor in this. Anything from is "Happily Married", and is "Unhappily Married".

Remember, your ethicality determines how quickly you cheat on your spouse! I guess widowed isn't an option. Anyway, I rolled 88, so I guess I'm happily married.

Good for me? Oh, and now it goes into how, thanks to men being far more valuable than women his words , dowrys exist to buy the man off to take women off their hands.

Apparently, in this world, beautiful women are auctioned off to raise money to pay for the fund to get ugly women married off.

No wonder the number of unhappy marriages are more than double the number of happy ones. It also goes on to say that a woman is the property of her husband, and that he has all legal rights over her.

Then Hall cheerfully says that "Even though the wife is property, it is ideal to have a relationship defined by respect, passion, and intimacy".

Some stuff about languages follows. It talks about Angelic being too high-pitched for humans to speak or hear, and Demonic being too low-pitched.

Goblins get a clicking language, but it's still better than the "no words longer than 5 letters" of Black Speech orcish and Underworld.

Dwarven speech is hardly described at all, but that it has many complex rules. Dragon is roaring with nuance. Elvish is divided meaninglessly, but it basically is about sounding poetic rather than having hard rules.

It's here, the roll for sexuality! OK, first, I was wrong. I guess Lord Byron couldn't get over his love affair with elves being better at everything, and couldn't let any elves become gay.

Of course, the Tolkenian elves were fairly stodgy, too Halflings, however, have a to this roll. Of course, the lower your strength, the more penalty you take to your roll if you are male, while strong women are more likely to be lesbians.

Yes, because everyone knows that the way to keep the gay away is to just lift more weights, but all strong women must be lesbians.

Oh, and there's further modifiers based on the cup size of a woman. Sorry, Petankkos, you take a -4 to your sexuality roll, too.

As for the actual roll, anything less than 2 is "Asexuality", 2 and 3 are Homosexuality, and 4 and 5 are Bisexuality.

Anyway, I rolled an 81, which is way over the zone where those modifiers would matter, anyway, so my character is straight. O Oooohohoho!

Next, they have a Debauchery table that determines what kind of sexual favors my character likes to perform.

A is "willing to do anything", and the highest stuff below that has to do with scat and urine and orgies, So Yeah. Oddly, giving oral sex is lower on the chart than vaginal sex, but recieving oral sex cunnilingus is just below sadism and masochism.

Also, recieving anal sex is higher up than wanting to be tied up or having sex with multiple partners. There's also "recieve I rolled 35, so my character is "merely" at the "recieve vaginal sex" stage.

Looking at the male debauchery table, the low numbers are much rarer than on the female chart "refuses all sex" is only a 1 for men, but it's for women , and I can't help but notice that while women were described as "recieving" most of their things, everything but the lowest "Recieve handjob" and "recieve blowjob" are phrased as "give" something or another.

Oh boy, next is rolling for offspring. You have to roll 1d10,, Anything less than , is having twins or some number greater than that in offspring.

You can make characters out of your offspring, and instead of just rolling up a new character, your offspring is apparently like a clone of you, where you just modify your character's stats slighly with some rolls before handing it off to the near-carbon-copy offspring.

It then goes on about the code of Chivalry and Courtly Love before talking about the demographics of people of some level or another. Basically, each level you go up, it halves the number of people of that level per million, but he managed to make it a really clumsy formula that had to shortchange level 2 to make the number fit the way he wanted.

Apparently everyone in every culture burns their dead. I was expecting something intelligent or rational as an explanation for this, like a very real fear of necromancers or zombie apocalypse, but no, just because corpses smell.

Well, I live in a City, like all elves, for whatever reason. That means at least 10, people, and access to all shops and services. Then it goes on and on about different types of governments, including Meritocracy and Confederacy, instead of just the usual Monarchy and such, but it doesn't matter, because this isn't related to my character, and all elves live in a monarchy, anyway.

They have a section on elven society. Apparently, it's always monarchical, slightly patriachal, but has the most gender equality of any race. Could it be that, with everything else about elves being better, he's giving tacit admission that gender equality is actually more desirable?

Elves are total vegans, not even eating eggs, and they will only take the hides of already dead animals to make leather, so leather is expensive to them.

The halfling section was obviously created by copy-pasting parts out of other races, because it refers to elves and humans in parts of the description of halflings, since he was obviously too lazy to edit his page monstrosity.

The dwarf section is similarly pretty much the same thing from either the human or the elf section. Humans, however, get plenty of talk about how "males have naturally become dominant in every successful human society", and that "slaves are exploited" and such.

They then have a section on roads and inns, and assure you that "even respectable inns include whores among services offered.

The cleaning girls double as whores, he helpfully tells you. Towards the end, and all through the roads section, meanwhile, Hall talks in great detail about the width of the road in different locations, the size of the inns, or how big the stones that make the road are, because God knows this guy's fetish is for inexplicably stating out the dimensions of things.

It talks about public baths in three paragraphs, but the second paragraph is about how often clothes get stolen, and the third paragraph is about forcing more cleaning girl slaves, who he again feels the need to tell you double as whores, to have sex with your character.

Obviously, the thought that anyone would willingly play a heterosexual female character isn't terribly front and center in Hall's mind.

He also mentions that in lonely rest stops, sex is pretty much the only diversion. Next up is taverns which sell alcohol, you can watch "dancing girls", and, you guessed it, the cleaning girls double as more whores!

Their chief business is supplying drinks and women. Oh, fabulous. The paragraph continues: "Decent characters do not patronize taverns. Females rarely go to taverns.

If they do, it is understood that they must be there to fornicate. In fact, husbands may spend so much time lounging and drinking in taverns that they hardly have any use for their homes or wives, and may rent both of them out to others.

For restraunts, they have the actually historically accurate to Rome itself, but not really the whole of the ancient world taberna, which is the ancient equivalent of fast food, and you buy hamburger patties and wine at a counter.

Next, they discuss popina, the sit-down, or rather, lay-down restraunt where characters lounge around while eating and, yes, enjoying the cleaning girls who are also whores.

Seriously, these kids would have every STD on the planet by now. They also talk about patrons staying in the place all day, having erotic art all over the place, and decorating it with "erect phalluses".

I'm not exagerrating any of this, either. Oh, look, a section that actually goes without talking about sex.

It's talking about mail delivery, though, so Byron narrowly manages to keep his streak of talking about every building as providing sex even private homes for anyone who will pay for it perfect.

I should also point out at this point, that this guy only footnotes a single book for this entire section on travel, and it's "Travel in the Ancient World" by Lionel Casson.

Next, they talk about the arrangement of shops and roads in town. Of course, precise dimensions are given as to how far apart every lamp post must be, and the length of each block because you can't go a page without describing something's exact dimensions.

It talks about the dangers of walking about in the daytime, because even if wheeled transports are banned during the day, horses can trample you, shysters try to rob you, and "a character must guard with all their might against whores, since they are a pleasant means to ruin without realizing it.

Bravo, Byron, Bravo. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, kids, this one's sure to be golden. Hall starts off talking about how cultures are different, but this list can be a guide for punishments of crimes, by "worst" crime to pettiest.

Treason Hanging, then drawn and quartered. Mass Murder Burned Alive Petty Treason Murder of a husband by a wife - burned alive, but "some cultures prefer to bury the murderous wife alive with her head above ground to prolong the agony.

You actually listed this as "worse" than a slave murdering the master, which is not historically accurate. There is nothing any slave-holding nation feared more than slave revolts.

Anyway, it's punishment by placing a giant stone on their chest without food or water for 40 days, or until death.

Murder of Owner By Slave Mass execution of every slave owned by the murdered owner Murder by means of Poison Boiled alive Murder Amputation of right hand and right foot Murder of Slave by Torture, Poison, or Fire Hanging or beheading with a subnote about how people wave the head around after a beheading that is kind of creepy and completely unnecessary.

Also, since when do Caligulan Romans care about killing slaves? Witchery Burn the Witch! It's added that women who cast magic might also be considered witches, and there's actually a witch class later on, amusingly enough, which makes one wonder why witchcraft would be a crime next to murder if people can openly practice magic in this world.

Lycanthropy Tear off their skin with red-hot pincers before beheading them. Habitual felons Lose an ear each time, then grind it into the head. Arson Either lose the hand and foot, or Burn the Witch!

Heresy, Repetant you must take a pilgrimmage Didn't Byron say this was listed from most to least severe? Damnit, Byron, you're not just a freak, but you're also a liar?!

Heresy, Unrepetant Burn the Witch!. You'd think they'd run out of straw to burn these people with eventually.

I don't want to have piety points anymore Poaching Lose your legs, or have molten lead poured in your ears Pimp Not a crime most places, but death in others Prostitution by women Not a crime in most places, but pilloried in others Affair Between Mistress and Slave Both are put to death.

He makes positively sure that the reader is assured that a man having an affair with a slave "even if he rapes her" is legal.

Sex Offenses Includes "many things, such as incest, child molestation, man-hating lesbians, and sodomy. They also may tear out the defendant's eyes.

Irreconcilable Civil Dispute Screw that Judge Judy crap, apparently, civil law is handled by gladiatorial combat in Byron's world.

Of course, this is handled by "champions" that are often slaves. How do you prove "covetous eyes", anyway? Libel Lose a hand Infedelity or Bawdy Behavior Tied to a horse and paraded through the streets Female With Acid Tongue A husband can have his wife put in a metal head cage that gags her, and have her paraded around town to be humiliated.

It goes on to talk about how the genders aren't seperated, "leading to rampant promiscuity". Wife That Keeps A Disorderly House Stripped naked, tied to a cart, driven through town, and flogged Vagrancy Branded in the face with "V" Runaway Slaves Covered in molasses and tied down over an anthill to be bitten to death.

Slave Convicted of Any Crime Crucified I could comment on the "justice" of all this, but I should point out that there is no description of a court system at all.

Sadly, this isn't a terribly inaccurate description of Medieval justice in some parts, and Roman justice in others, but it's blended together with absolutely no consistancy.

He actually wrote a section here about baking fish the ancient Roman way. Why the Hell would he feel the need to include this in the rule book?

Well, anyway, I'm skipping that. I dunno if I achieved that balance. Half the game is male clients, and half the game is female clients. But yeah, the 3 main serious relationships are all women.

What can I say, I like lesbians. I just feel more comfortable with writing the emotions between two women, while leaving the men to penis-wielding duty.

Sounds like you almost got all the endings. From the feedback, it seems every ending has been gotten by players, all accept for one: Countess Valefire.

I suppose there's not too many masochistic sub players, or maybe I just didn't make that route too appealing? I grabbed the ending for Countess Valefire to just see it.

The one i skipped was the succubus one. Countess Valefire ending is kinda hard to get imo, I got it, but only after I theory crafted a bit to get the money required to get the raunchy 10 stat before night 8.

I did like both Valefire and Bightheart, but Valefire was a bit too hardcore for me after the second night, even though I like this stuff both ways.

One thing I would like though is a combination of the Lily and Baroness Brighthart endings; using Brighthart's fortune to be lovers with Lily.

Ah well, can't have everything. Actually, it may not be what you're looking for exactly, but you can get both Lily and Brighthart in the same ending.

In Brighthart's story, near the end, expose her by turning in the blackmail materials to the courts. Also, do the Lily stories. Then at the end of the game, the ruined Brighthart will appear and asks to join you in whatever ending you get.

This is a modifier, actually, and not an ending itself. So let her join you before you do Lily's ending, and the ruined Brighthart tags along on your happy ending.

This works for the other endings as well. Ok, maybe that's just me, but for some reason I get something like "Windows cannot access the specified device, path, or file" when I try ty launch the game.

I disabled both Avast and Windows Firewall. Still, I get that error no matter where I unpack the game. And it's the only one that gives me that kind of problem.

Any ideas on how to deal with that problem. You seriously got me hooked with just the description of your game, so I'd really love if your game would let me play it.

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Posted January 28, So I know I made a preview topic a while back, but I finished the game, so, new topic.

Share this post Link to post. Nice I'll be sure to give this a look later. Posted January 29, Wretched Scum. This is an excellent game. Okay, that's enough praise now.

Do you publish this only on this site? Have you made any other games? Posted January 30, How the hell do I open the pentagram door?

Is it even possible to open? This is really really good! Great work! Posted January 31, Going to check it out later. Posted February 1, TheCajunPhoenix Report.

Veilwolf89, Agreed. It's as if the landlord thinks the more money you make, the more they can jack up the rent. Landlady Report. TheCajunPhoenix, it's actually to pay off your debt, so the more you pay the quicker your debt is paid off.

Wanker Report. Landlady, Except it still goes up after you have paid off the debt. Hopefully that will be fixed in the next update.

GMan Report. DarkesZ Report. Z Report. Yoosex Report. Cumlover Report.

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This alone deserves a breaker in the post. First, I apparently have to roll for Areolas, because people apparently really give a shit about this stuff, especially when you can't even see this character that consists entirely of a God-awful number of randomly generated stats.

Well, I have a 1. Because individuals do not have preferences, apparently. Anyway, I rolled a "C" cup obviously, because I have ugly breasts, so they are all ugly and slightly bigger than average.

Now I roll for Hoo-hah width. I'd just like to point out that in this game, apparently, if you stretch an anus or vagina more than their set limit, they tear into a single hole, and you can die instantly.

You know, so obviously women who give birth to children with heads larger than an inch in diameter obviously are in danger of exploding into having a cloaca or just dying outright.

You also get bonus width for being a mother, being "nymphomaniac" and more for being "slut". Well, anyway, I didn't roll anything too extreme, so I got an above-average ", which it helpfully informs me is capable of handling a "thick unit".

Oh great, now I have to roll for depth potential, which is measured in terms of percentage of my overall height.

Tongue size. Tongue size? Tongue Size! Well, why the fuck not. OK, I got a 61, so I have a slightly longer than normal tongue at 2.

Oh happy times. Now rolling for the dreaded anal circumference. Well, apparently, it's exactly the same chart as the vaginal circumference for reasons I don't understand.

Well, I got another slightly above average roll, here, so I "can handle a thick unit" with " in diameter here, too.

Nothing to see here, folks, move along. Oh, and now I get to roll the vitally important Hymen Reistance stat, so that I can, apparently, determine if I'm still a virgin after penetration.

Why, I don't know. Well, I rolled fairly low this time, so I apparently have a weak hymen at only a It's 5d20, so the average would be My poor not-really virginity!

How delicate! Oh, and there are no apparent modifiers for the roll for whatever is actually being put into the vagina, So Yeah.

Oh yeah. It talks about how males have to roll for sperm count. Sperm count. Roll for sperm count. No, it still doesn't make sense to me why anybody would ever want to roll for sperm count no matter how often I repeat it.

Christ, I was kidding when I said to roll for blood circulation. This isn't even a one-time thing.

Oh ho! Verbal Tic of another forum goer! I now can go over the rules for menstration, so as to fully understand the punishment of the gods on my character who sinned so badly that she was undeserving of a Y chromosome.

Oh, and after telling you how much of a punishment it is, they also let you know that you're "on the rag", too. Oh goodie goodie gumdrops, I get to roll for what kind of menstral cramps my character gets.

Well, apparently, I get headaches, and have fatigue for 1d days before the period arrives. Oh, and it helpfully tells you to increase your melancholic or choleric temperment by 1d every time you have a period if you get depression or irritability with your menstration.

Because you need to roll for more random, unimportant shit in this game than you already do. They have a chart for infant mortality rates, too.

Next, they go into an even more elaborate manhood roll with very specific instructions for how to determine penal circumference for the vital task of rupturing rectums, but that's obviously not anything I have to roll for, since at least hopefully, I'll never have to roll for hermaphroditism.

Out of sexual features, and into the "Rare Features" section. Now I have to roll for foot size. OK, seriously? It was one thing to have a strange fetishistic roll for the diameter of sexual organs and all, but what, are we going to roll for toenail growth rates next?

I have " feet. I'm on friggin' toothpicks. I'm right handed. Head circumference. This is apparently vitally important for your hat fitting needs, as it explains, and it's got a bizzare set of conditional modifiers, including multiplying by.

Well, apparently, I rolled 45, so I have This is vitally important shit, here! Oh great, now there's a pregnancy complication rate thing, here, too.

They also make you roll for how much weight you gain and how much you swell, as well as how premature the pregnancy is. Elves apparently have a week pregnancy.

Well, here's the allergies section, but being an elf put my Health high enough that I don't have them. There are only 8 allergies, and bee and wasp stings are counted seperately, for some reason.

OK, intoxication tables. Since I'm so light, I apparently go straight to vomitting if I drink a single Mead.

I apparently have to also roll for alcohol poisoning after drinking, thanks to low body weight. As a female elf, that roll is a d roll to beat So, basically, any time I drink 4 drinks, I am in mortal peril, or at least just pass out and risk more inevitable rape.

Oh, and there are no benefits to drinking alcohol. Somehow, I don't think this guy hates drinking, but it sure seems like he goes out of his way to punish it.

Reefer Madness! Apparently, there are charts for marijuana intoxication. Again, everything marijuana does is completely negative for your character, which may be sending some kind of good moral message, but it really makes you wonder why a player would ever consider doing something that does nothing but hurt them, and probably costs quite a bit.

They now have some things on Psychodelic Mushrooms, and tell you to roll for cancer and diabeetus. Oh, and Tourettes. The MM can order you to shout obsenities when you have it.

OK, that's the dreaded chapter 3. Next up is the stupid Disposition chapter. Oh, and I've forgotten to name her so far, so I'll have to come up with a name OK, so disposition, which is basically alignment is next.

I guess it's True Neutral, though. Of course, like everything that is a critical character decision, or completely unimportant, this is left up to a random roll, becuase people can't determine whether or not to be good or evil on their own.

First, however, I have to roll for Piety Points to see how religious this girl is. But this isn't as simple as just rolling percentile dice, of course, I have to roll percentile dice, then roll more percentile dice to determine if I roll more dice based on some other thing to modify the first percentile dice in some way before I can find out something about an esoteric trait of my character's personality that no RPG in its right mind would make random instead of a player choice, anyway.

Oh, and it's Piety Points acronymed into PP, by the way. OK, I start off by rolling Since I'm pretty, however, I apparently am less religious for reasons that are completely unexplained, and wouldn't make sense even if they were, and lose 3 of those PP.

Because being more active makes you more religious. Facial charisma would have dropped my PP, but I didn't roll the percentage to make that happen.

I also lose 1 PP for being healthy, again for unexplained nonsensical reasons. That's a total of 91 PP.

Apparently, very religious thanks to my being very active. They also have rules for making getting knocked down to near-death have positive or negative PP, depending on if you saw the white light or not.

Anyway, that apparently means I "Worship Fluently" which apparently means I speak perfect Worship without an accent? OK, now for my alignment rolls.

The section on ethics talks about how being "Ethical" and "Unethical" are simply aspects of Order Versus Chaos, and have nothing to do with good and evil.

The thing then goes on to talk about how "unethical" describes being things like being creative, but also favor "Anarchy, treacherousness, betrayal, criminality, and meaninglessness".

Still, you'd think he could keep himself on-message for an entire paragraph. Chaotic characters also apparently don't like cities, and live in rural areas or keep to themselves, which seems to be even more bizzarely unrelated to chaos.

Morality is even more amusing, just because it's FATAL trying to tell people what wrong and right are, in between segments detailing what kind of die rolls to make in rape sessions.

Oh, but it directly equates good with happiness, So Yeah. It also goes on about how too much of any emotion is evil for some reason, so being a coward is evil, but being too brave is evil, too.

I really have no idea what point he was trying to make, there. After that, it's another chapter Alright kids, buckle up, put in your mouthgard and lock up those protective chastity belts, we're going once more unto the hopefully non-organic breach that is FATAL.

This time, it's the "Mind" chapter, which appears to be all about the temperment system. Obviously, like everything else in this unrepetent showcase of chart and table porn, it has to be done by rolling things, and looking at the "relevant" chart.

Said only with the utmost irony of "relevant" charts telling you your goddamn head diameter. Of course, like most of these charts, it would be more easily handled by simply telling you the formulas, as these things aren't very hard to figure out.

Oh, and since I'm railing against things in previous chapters, there is something I'm dissapointed in myself for not gripping about earlier. You see, at the time, I was distracted when trying to figure out my female character's vaginal depth because of the fact that I had to caluclate out to a thousandth of an inch just how deep my character could be penetrated, while vaginal width was just another d roll.

Also note: My vaginal width is probably larger, it is a range of 6" to 8", than it is deep. However, there was the real insidious truth that lurked just behind that nonsensical exercise in number porn: You are supposed to consult with your "Maim Master" to see just how much damage having something longer than your vaginal depth pushed into your character will do.

Oh, and did I mention that of all the personal character choices you might have to make, which is to say, all the things that they force you to roll for, like alignment and nipple color, the one thing that they always let you choose is gender.

That shit just ain't right. Also, on the topic of feminity, I'd like to ask people more on what to name my character I'll probably go with something like "Ysy" or "Yenene" if someone else doesn't speak up.

I'm leaning towards "Ysy", and pronouncing it so that it rhymes with "his say". Hall goes on to tell me how each temperment is related to a different matter, and a state of matter Gas, Liquid, Solid, and "Dense", whatever the hell that means, the relevant season of the temperment, the wind that is supposed to blow for me, and what part of the body is best represented by that temperment.

I'm sure this is supposed to be something really deep and important to someone years ago, but it doesn't seem to have any practical effect on the game, so I really have to wonder why I had to keep track of all these modifiers to my Phlegm meter all this time, anyway, although I guess that, like alignment, I get punished if I don't play along with being really "black biley".

Oddly, it tells you to either just plain roll another d, or that you can take an online test to determine your own temperment for some odd reason, and use that as your character's stats for this.

It tells you how a 50 is "well balanced" in a temperment, but doesn't bother giving you one of those "bellcurving" rolls to make it any more likely to roll a 50 than it is to roll a 3.

I guess Lord Byron likes his characters crazy, though, the better to rape you with, my dear. There might have been some things about more modifiers in the "body" section thanks to having 5" long feet or something, but I don't give enough of a damn to go back there to find out.

So yeah, I now have 44 Sanguine, 46 Choleric, 80 melancholic, and 0 Phlegm someone get me a glass of water, my mouth is so dry! It goes on in detail about what each thing means, so Sanguine is your optimism and cheerfulness and childlikeness and stuff.

Choleric is your leadershipfullness, and gets a more positive review than the others, talking about how "they're always right, even if people don't like them", because it is your "rapist, not the rapee" temperment, so obviously that had to be the one that being a female elf would totally kill.

Melancholic is the "introvert, thinker, and pessimist" temperment, and after Choleric got killed, this is my major thing, so I guess I'm a sad elf because I was stuck with a high Choleric score.

Phlegmatic is for the "introvert, the watcher, and the pessimist". So basically, it's the same thing as the last one, but I have none of this one, and plenty of the last one.

It also goes on to say that they are "shy, compromising, and self-rightuous" Then, because I hadn't seen a chart in a whole three or four pages, Hall spits another one out about the strengths and weakneses about 30 of each, although there are only half as many Sanguine strengths as anything else.

There are too many of these things that are too vaguely defined to give anything remotely like useful information, but yay, the second thing down on Melancholic is that apparently, I "enjoy being hurt".

Remember, this is the temperment that takes a penalty for being female or an elf. This then goes on talking about how "Scholars are debating" this centuries-debunked bullshit, and that apparently, I have to take my two highest temperments, and turn it into my combined temperment thing.

Thanks to unusual rolling, in spite of Hall's best efforts, my choleric is still above my sanguine, so I'm apparently Melancholic-Choleric.

It says that this makes me an introvert, but that I can have critical outbursts, and that I enjoy insulting other people.

It says that I'm a prefectionist who often wins because I prepare and plan more than my opponents, but who is impossible to please, and possibly manic-depressive or sadistic.

OK, now it starts going into mental illnesses for some reason. Back when being fat was a sign of wealth and status, I don't think people who were concerned about dieting to the point of starving themselves.

Of course, why afflict your players with odd but reasonable mental illnesses when you can start handing around things like necrophilia as an illness whenever they roll something low?!

Note, I'm only going to post what the book says about these things, not verify what they are. OK, let's go down the list: Abasophilia lust for lame or crippled people.

DC 80 roll or you start dry-humping any crippled person you see. Acrotomophilia lust for amputated stumps of limbs. DC 80 roll or you start dry-humping any amputee you see.

Autoabasophilia lust for making yourself lame. Lust for fecal matter. DC 80 roll or you start humping any shit you see.

Erotomania DC 30 whenever you talk, or you start telling lies about how good you are in bed. Formicophilia wut? Oooooooooookay, sexual attraction to covering people with insects.

DC 30 or you dump insects on people. Frotteurism DC 30 any time you see someone with bodily attractiveness, or you start dry-humping them Hypoxophilia DC 80 or when you have sex, you strangle your partner to unconsciousness.

Narratophilia DC 80 or you start talking "dirty" to people Necrophilia DC 80 any time you are near a corpse or So Yeah Noctomania Sleep during the day, up during the night Nymphomania Of course.

It talks about "phallophilia", or attraction to large penises, so roll for Freud Was Right. If a man with or higher Charisma is near a Nymphomaniacal woman, she must roll DC 80 or immediately solicit sex from him while asking him how large his penis is.

Oh happy, happy days. Oniomania DC 80 or you start shopping uncontrollably. Onomotomania DC 80 or you keep repeating the same phrase or sound over and over again.

Pedophilia Why not? Well, Byron actually held himself back on this one. Instead of saying DC 80 or you rape the first child you see, it just says "sexual attraction" and leaves it at that.

I'd say Even Evil Has Standards Raptophilia Love of rape. Cutting straight to the heart of the matter, eh, Hall? DC 50 if you see someone with or more Charisma, or you will stalk and rape them at the first opportunity.

Satyromania I'm amazed he didn't just leave it at Nymphomania so that he could say it's all because women always want it. Anyway, DC 80 around women with or more Charisma, or they solicit sex while talking about their body.

Scoptophilia Voyeurism. DC 80 or you play with yourself if you can watch others have sex. Sexual Masochism Goody goody gumdrops.

Any time a sexual situation comes up, DC 70, or you beg to be bound up and beaten. Sexual Sadism Oddly, Hall actually talks about this in a negative manner, talking about "ejaculative retardation".

I guess he didn't want anything taking away from his favorite, Raptophilia's spot in the sun. DC 70 or they start beating people, and gain 2d20 Choleric, as if that mattered.

Somnophilia DC 70, or rape anyone you see who is asleep. Trichotillomania Pull out your hair. Urophilia DC 70 or start peeing on people.

Vaginismus Spasms to your vagina make people less likely to like you, and you lose 2d20 Sanguine. What the Hell? DC 70 whenever you see vomit, or you start masturbating to it.

Voyeurism What, didn't we already do this? Well, it's the same DC 80 for the same touch yourself if you see people naked. Zoophilia Beastiality.

Roll for your "favorite" animal. I should point out that this book did have your usual psychiatric problems, like depression, kleptomania, OCD, egomania, and antisocial personality disorder, but the "philias" completely outweighed them.

They also only had a general "phobia" in the middle of all these stupid "philias", wheras a game like Call Of Cthulhu would actually focus on the "fear" mental disorders.

Anyway, it then tells you to roll 1d on a chart any time you need a random insanity. I survived this chapter OK, first off in the "Societal" chapter Roll for birthday.

Why, why, why does this matter? I can only laugh helplessly at this. Next, roll for if you are a illegitimate child or not. Being a bastard child penalizes you -2 on your social status roll, aparrently.

Well, I rolled a 92, so I guess I'm really legitimate. The social class roll is another d roll, so I have to wonder why he would bother with something as minor as a -2, especially considering how badly illegitimate children were treated in the actual past.

For humans, anything less than 30 is slavery. Obviously, he spent all his time on "research" looking up new ways to insert rape into his game, and precise measurements of feet, and forgot to look up anything relating to actual history when making a "historically accurate" game with elves, "stovepipers" and "poople" in it.

Remember, Our Elves Are Better. My elf is apparently better than most, because I got another really high roll, and landed a This makes me on the lower end of "nobility", and I start off with 3d gold.

Next I have to roll for birthplace I'm tired of sniping at this stuff, so let's just roll. I could only be born in "city" or "capital city", anyway, so I'm in a city.

Apparently, elves are very urban for vegan enviromentalists. Hall also makes three seperate charts for the different social statuses of elves, but the charts are all exactly the same, making me wonder why he even bothered.

Oh, right, the chart porn. Now I have to roll for family members. As an elf, I take a penalty for having family. I would then have to roll for the order of birth, if I weren't an only child.

Next, I roll for marital status. Age has no factor in this. Anything from is "Happily Married", and is "Unhappily Married". Remember, your ethicality determines how quickly you cheat on your spouse!

I guess widowed isn't an option. Anyway, I rolled 88, so I guess I'm happily married. Good for me? Oh, and now it goes into how, thanks to men being far more valuable than women his words , dowrys exist to buy the man off to take women off their hands.

Apparently, in this world, beautiful women are auctioned off to raise money to pay for the fund to get ugly women married off. No wonder the number of unhappy marriages are more than double the number of happy ones.

It also goes on to say that a woman is the property of her husband, and that he has all legal rights over her. Then Hall cheerfully says that "Even though the wife is property, it is ideal to have a relationship defined by respect, passion, and intimacy".

Some stuff about languages follows. It talks about Angelic being too high-pitched for humans to speak or hear, and Demonic being too low-pitched.

Goblins get a clicking language, but it's still better than the "no words longer than 5 letters" of Black Speech orcish and Underworld.

Dwarven speech is hardly described at all, but that it has many complex rules. Dragon is roaring with nuance.

Elvish is divided meaninglessly, but it basically is about sounding poetic rather than having hard rules. It's here, the roll for sexuality!

OK, first, I was wrong. I guess Lord Byron couldn't get over his love affair with elves being better at everything, and couldn't let any elves become gay.

Of course, the Tolkenian elves were fairly stodgy, too Halflings, however, have a to this roll. Of course, the lower your strength, the more penalty you take to your roll if you are male, while strong women are more likely to be lesbians.

Yes, because everyone knows that the way to keep the gay away is to just lift more weights, but all strong women must be lesbians.

Oh, and there's further modifiers based on the cup size of a woman. Sorry, Petankkos, you take a -4 to your sexuality roll, too. As for the actual roll, anything less than 2 is "Asexuality", 2 and 3 are Homosexuality, and 4 and 5 are Bisexuality.

Anyway, I rolled an 81, which is way over the zone where those modifiers would matter, anyway, so my character is straight.

O Oooohohoho! Next, they have a Debauchery table that determines what kind of sexual favors my character likes to perform.

A is "willing to do anything", and the highest stuff below that has to do with scat and urine and orgies, So Yeah.

Oddly, giving oral sex is lower on the chart than vaginal sex, but recieving oral sex cunnilingus is just below sadism and masochism. Also, recieving anal sex is higher up than wanting to be tied up or having sex with multiple partners.

There's also "recieve I rolled 35, so my character is "merely" at the "recieve vaginal sex" stage. Looking at the male debauchery table, the low numbers are much rarer than on the female chart "refuses all sex" is only a 1 for men, but it's for women , and I can't help but notice that while women were described as "recieving" most of their things, everything but the lowest "Recieve handjob" and "recieve blowjob" are phrased as "give" something or another.

Oh boy, next is rolling for offspring. You have to roll 1d10,, Anything less than , is having twins or some number greater than that in offspring.

You can make characters out of your offspring, and instead of just rolling up a new character, your offspring is apparently like a clone of you, where you just modify your character's stats slighly with some rolls before handing it off to the near-carbon-copy offspring.

It then goes on about the code of Chivalry and Courtly Love before talking about the demographics of people of some level or another. Basically, each level you go up, it halves the number of people of that level per million, but he managed to make it a really clumsy formula that had to shortchange level 2 to make the number fit the way he wanted.

Apparently everyone in every culture burns their dead. I was expecting something intelligent or rational as an explanation for this, like a very real fear of necromancers or zombie apocalypse, but no, just because corpses smell.

Well, I live in a City, like all elves, for whatever reason. That means at least 10, people, and access to all shops and services. Then it goes on and on about different types of governments, including Meritocracy and Confederacy, instead of just the usual Monarchy and such, but it doesn't matter, because this isn't related to my character, and all elves live in a monarchy, anyway.

They have a section on elven society. Apparently, it's always monarchical, slightly patriachal, but has the most gender equality of any race. Could it be that, with everything else about elves being better, he's giving tacit admission that gender equality is actually more desirable?

Elves are total vegans, not even eating eggs, and they will only take the hides of already dead animals to make leather, so leather is expensive to them.

The halfling section was obviously created by copy-pasting parts out of other races, because it refers to elves and humans in parts of the description of halflings, since he was obviously too lazy to edit his page monstrosity.

The dwarf section is similarly pretty much the same thing from either the human or the elf section. Humans, however, get plenty of talk about how "males have naturally become dominant in every successful human society", and that "slaves are exploited" and such.

They then have a section on roads and inns, and assure you that "even respectable inns include whores among services offered.

The cleaning girls double as whores, he helpfully tells you. Towards the end, and all through the roads section, meanwhile, Hall talks in great detail about the width of the road in different locations, the size of the inns, or how big the stones that make the road are, because God knows this guy's fetish is for inexplicably stating out the dimensions of things.

It talks about public baths in three paragraphs, but the second paragraph is about how often clothes get stolen, and the third paragraph is about forcing more cleaning girl slaves, who he again feels the need to tell you double as whores, to have sex with your character.

Obviously, the thought that anyone would willingly play a heterosexual female character isn't terribly front and center in Hall's mind.

He also mentions that in lonely rest stops, sex is pretty much the only diversion. Next up is taverns which sell alcohol, you can watch "dancing girls", and, you guessed it, the cleaning girls double as more whores!

Their chief business is supplying drinks and women. Oh, fabulous. The paragraph continues: "Decent characters do not patronize taverns.

Females rarely go to taverns. If they do, it is understood that they must be there to fornicate. In fact, husbands may spend so much time lounging and drinking in taverns that they hardly have any use for their homes or wives, and may rent both of them out to others.

For restraunts, they have the actually historically accurate to Rome itself, but not really the whole of the ancient world taberna, which is the ancient equivalent of fast food, and you buy hamburger patties and wine at a counter.

Next, they discuss popina, the sit-down, or rather, lay-down restraunt where characters lounge around while eating and, yes, enjoying the cleaning girls who are also whores.

Seriously, these kids would have every STD on the planet by now. They also talk about patrons staying in the place all day, having erotic art all over the place, and decorating it with "erect phalluses".

I'm not exagerrating any of this, either. Oh, look, a section that actually goes without talking about sex. It's talking about mail delivery, though, so Byron narrowly manages to keep his streak of talking about every building as providing sex even private homes for anyone who will pay for it perfect.

I should also point out at this point, that this guy only footnotes a single book for this entire section on travel, and it's "Travel in the Ancient World" by Lionel Casson.

Next, they talk about the arrangement of shops and roads in town. Of course, precise dimensions are given as to how far apart every lamp post must be, and the length of each block because you can't go a page without describing something's exact dimensions.

It talks about the dangers of walking about in the daytime, because even if wheeled transports are banned during the day, horses can trample you, shysters try to rob you, and "a character must guard with all their might against whores, since they are a pleasant means to ruin without realizing it.

Bravo, Byron, Bravo. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, kids, this one's sure to be golden. Hall starts off talking about how cultures are different, but this list can be a guide for punishments of crimes, by "worst" crime to pettiest.

Treason Hanging, then drawn and quartered. Mass Murder Burned Alive Petty Treason Murder of a husband by a wife - burned alive, but "some cultures prefer to bury the murderous wife alive with her head above ground to prolong the agony.

You actually listed this as "worse" than a slave murdering the master, which is not historically accurate. There is nothing any slave-holding nation feared more than slave revolts.

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